Before we begin, I want to thank you for the level of academics, amount of opportunities,

and my closest friends that you have given me. I wish I could say that those 7 years of

my life were great ones, but sadly I cannot. I can make excuses for you and say you just

didn't know. How was a school full of white people supposed to know how to nurture a

young black girl? It’s a loaded question, I know. As much as I would like to give you the

benefit of the doubt, there is a rage inside me for the mistreatment I unknowingly

endured for so many years. Though I know the wrongdoers would not have said or done

such hurtful things if they had known the results. But it’s the fact that no one was aware

of the long-lasting effect it would have on me. I wish someone knew. I wish my teachers

would tell my peers to stop touching my hair, choose a different word other than

aggressive to describe me, to not look at me during slavery lessons, to not suggest I

start dating the only other black kid in our grade, or ask if we were siblings because we

will not and are not. But these situations have been normalized. Black children are left

with unresolved trauma for what our white counterparts overlooked. I’d be

lying if I said I am not salty. It’s just I look back, and I was so helpless. So oblivious. As I

reflect, I understand why I would get so upset when people would touch my hair, why I

finally let my tears stream after being called scary for the millionth time, why I bottled

everything up to the point where I exploded. When you feel you aren’t worthy, not

beautiful, alone, you begin to lose yourself at a very young age. I began to conform and

lose my ‘blackness’. I dealt with the aftermath in middle and high school. Where black

classmates view me as an outsider for how many white friends I have, my

comfortability with white people, or how I wear my hair, straight. Now due to

this massive adversity, I am left trying to find myself while dealing with the animosity

not only from white peers but from my own community. I could say that the 7 years of a

fantastic education were beneficial.

 

But was the loss of my identity in the process as well?